John...

John and I At Platz's for dinner and some music.


We were at one of his shows and I was pretty upset about something...don't remember what.


My fav. Christmas Picture


John's last picture taken on his birthday.

It's been over 4 months...and I've gained 40lbs since the death of John. It's amazing what happens when somebody close to you dies. My life seem to stop...but yet everything kept going. There was a big party to say fairwell...there was lots of food for comfort and lots of drinks too. I kept so busy that I never sat down and delt with the fact that I would never be speaking to John again. I believe at this point I still haven't delt with it. I've just kinda moved on. But yet not completely. I want to get this weight off...I worked so hard to get it off last year and I packed it right back on. I want to work more and make more money and get my bills paid off...I want to do things for me...to get my life in order. At the same point...I'm just too afraid to get close to anybody again. I've kinda pushed my friends back a few steps...mainly so they think I'm ok. I've let myself get into bad situtations and I see now that I just need to spend some time alone figuring out what happen...why is my life spinning out of control. Or is it spinning out of control? I want to get my "act" together ya know?

Once again...I do miss John. I miss John more and more every day. I wait for his call...it never comes...I want to go lay on the big chair...I remember his birthday I tried to talk him into cuddling with me...I laid on his chest while he watched tv. Then we did his birthday cake...it was fun...oh and then we went to mcdonalds...classy huh?!!? But what can I say! We had so much fun. From the first day we met we had fun. It's crazy...I miss him.

John was me...in male form...we were two peas in a pod. Like Laverne and Shirley....like black eye liner and blue eyes! You get the picture! I used to care what other people thought about me. I used to get so worked up if somebody didn't like me...or what they were going to think about me. John made me realize that I have to do things for myself. OF course I'm not going to lie...he did a lot for me. A LOT. I could never say Thank you enough. There was a time where John said to me "you used to adore me...." and I couldn't believe that he thought I stopped. Never for oen minute did I ever stop. Even now...I still adore him.

I beg John every night to come into my dreams...every night he's not there. All of my friends dream about him and he keeps telling them he loves me and that one day I'll have a dream about him. I guess it's just too fresh right now. Maybe he is trying to stay away so I will move on or something. I don't know...I'm glad I'm alive...I just never thought this day would come where he didn't call. Where we didn't go to lunch and where all of his stuff would be sold...even though he's been trying forever to sell his stuff...now it's all going. I feel like I have nothing but our pictures and our memories....and a few shirts :)

So now it's time to get my life back together...at least a little bit. Stand strong for myself and know that I'm a good person and John the man I adored loved me so much. I don't know if anybody will ever completely know "Marie" the way he did. He knew what would upset me and what I was thinking and how to comfort me and how to hurt me all in one word. His last words to me were thank you and he loves me. Who could ask for anything else?