The Past Matters

What can you remember about your past? Do you have a lot of good thoughts that come to mind? The second chapter in our book is about the influences on our self-esteem. Wouldn't it be great to wake up every morning a new person? I mean sure in theory that would be great though you would have lost everything from the day before. But at least there would be nobody who influenced how you felt about yourself.

Influences start at a very young age and continue the whole time you are growing up. It starts mainly with your family or whomever you lived with while growing up. Think about it…I can tell you that my family had a "family secret" which means we didn't talk about things that would make conflict. If you are reading this then you know how much I run away from conflict. You know that if a fight is going to happen I'm out of there and I'd sooner drop people out of my life if there is any foreseen conflict in the future. That is because growing up we never talked about my Mother's drinking. We just didn't. Nobody knew about it and we all put a smile on our face when we went to school or work or wherever. I remember in 7th grade I was having a lot of problems with my school work. I couldn't focus because there was just way too much going on at home. So my 4 teachers sat me down in a room and talked to me about it. For the first time I cried and told somebody. One of my teachers (who will remain nameless just because he's going through enough shit right now) wanted to talk to my parents about it. I wouldn't let him. Then there would have been conflict at home.

So what does that have to do with my self-esteem? EVERYTHING! We didn't communicate at home, no trust…so now I don't trust people. Oh I'll tell you things…but it's almost impossible to get to know the REAL Marie…unless we've been friends for a while. I'm not saying everything you see is an act because it's not. But you can only go so far before I throw up the wall and want to run and hide and not talk to you for a while. It also means that I'm very easy to control. Now with low or no self-esteem you can go one of two ways. You are either very controlling or you are easily controlled. I'm easily controlled and walked all over. Feelings of loneliness, fear and immense anxiety are also things that have come out of my situation growing up.

Keep in mind. I want to stress this…you and I can not blame every problem we have on our family nor can they take credit for everything we've done right or are proud of. It is important though to understand how people have influences our development so that we can figure out how to validate our feelings.

Friends, TV, Movies, Teachers, and even my favorite Music has influenced how I've grown up.

Letting go is the key to this chapter. All I've told you about my family and my mother has really damaged my self-esteem and self-worth. Not because of anything they did, but how I saw myself fitting into the picture (or not really fitting in whatever). I feel like when my mom died I stopped growing emotionally. I kept moving on with life, I got a job, went to college came home and got another job….live on my own and blah blah blah. But emotionally I feel like I'm 16. I feel like I can't move on because I need her here to help me. But why? Why do I feel that way?! These are the questions and feelings that I have that need to be validated because they will never be answered.

What I have learned from this chapter (even though I didn't like it at first because it really made me think about the past which I hate) is that I need to clean out that closet in my head. I need to clear the thoughts of well shit. That family secret is no longer a secret and I used to think it made my family look really fucked up…when really everybody has their problems. We need to get rid of the dirty self-criticism, stained images and bad decisions that no longer need to linger in our minds. Yes they are there…yes other people know about them…but they are no longer needed. They can go now and it's ok to let go of them and forgive whatever or whomever you need to forgive and let go.

So going back to chapter 1 and our "What can I do to make it better?" If something is bothering me that happened…even if it happened a week ago or 10 years ago I'm going to write it down on a little sheet of paper…I'm going to think "What am I gaining by holding onto this?" Then I am going to rip it up and throw it away. Now of course that doesn't get it out of your head but just by symbolizing to yourself that it is no longer needed will help your mind know that it's true…you don't need that shit in your life.

Letting go of past negativity will help me shape emotionally into a woman (which is really want I want to do).

Somebody told me today that one day I'll have to grow up. Even though I really don't want to…emotionally I have to. I'll figure it out. Its just going to take me a little longer then most.

Next Chapter: Seeing yourself through clean glasses! I can't wait!