John...

John and I At Platz's for dinner and some music.


We were at one of his shows and I was pretty upset about something...don't remember what.


My fav. Christmas Picture


John's last picture taken on his birthday.

It's been over 4 months...and I've gained 40lbs since the death of John. It's amazing what happens when somebody close to you dies. My life seem to stop...but yet everything kept going. There was a big party to say fairwell...there was lots of food for comfort and lots of drinks too. I kept so busy that I never sat down and delt with the fact that I would never be speaking to John again. I believe at this point I still haven't delt with it. I've just kinda moved on. But yet not completely. I want to get this weight off...I worked so hard to get it off last year and I packed it right back on. I want to work more and make more money and get my bills paid off...I want to do things for me...to get my life in order. At the same point...I'm just too afraid to get close to anybody again. I've kinda pushed my friends back a few steps...mainly so they think I'm ok. I've let myself get into bad situtations and I see now that I just need to spend some time alone figuring out what happen...why is my life spinning out of control. Or is it spinning out of control? I want to get my "act" together ya know?

Once again...I do miss John. I miss John more and more every day. I wait for his call...it never comes...I want to go lay on the big chair...I remember his birthday I tried to talk him into cuddling with me...I laid on his chest while he watched tv. Then we did his birthday cake...it was fun...oh and then we went to mcdonalds...classy huh?!!? But what can I say! We had so much fun. From the first day we met we had fun. It's crazy...I miss him.

John was me...in male form...we were two peas in a pod. Like Laverne and Shirley....like black eye liner and blue eyes! You get the picture! I used to care what other people thought about me. I used to get so worked up if somebody didn't like me...or what they were going to think about me. John made me realize that I have to do things for myself. OF course I'm not going to lie...he did a lot for me. A LOT. I could never say Thank you enough. There was a time where John said to me "you used to adore me...." and I couldn't believe that he thought I stopped. Never for oen minute did I ever stop. Even now...I still adore him.

I beg John every night to come into my dreams...every night he's not there. All of my friends dream about him and he keeps telling them he loves me and that one day I'll have a dream about him. I guess it's just too fresh right now. Maybe he is trying to stay away so I will move on or something. I don't know...I'm glad I'm alive...I just never thought this day would come where he didn't call. Where we didn't go to lunch and where all of his stuff would be sold...even though he's been trying forever to sell his stuff...now it's all going. I feel like I have nothing but our pictures and our memories....and a few shirts :)

So now it's time to get my life back together...at least a little bit. Stand strong for myself and know that I'm a good person and John the man I adored loved me so much. I don't know if anybody will ever completely know "Marie" the way he did. He knew what would upset me and what I was thinking and how to comfort me and how to hurt me all in one word. His last words to me were thank you and he loves me. Who could ask for anything else?

I'm Sad today...

Most of you know about 4 years ago I was a Youth Pastor. You don't know where...you don't know why...you have no clue how it changed my life and how many lives I've changed. You don't know...because sometimes I don't know.

While I was a Youth Pastor Tia Brant was one of my youth. She was in 8th grade and she was a very sweet girl. She had to do a project for her English class...and she did her project on her hero. That hero was me. She said many kind words and she looked up to me very much. Monday she was killed in a car accident. Nobody told me...but my old friend Amanda msged me today to let me know her funeral was on Saturday. I'm sitting here shaking...she was only 17 and her friend was the same age. Another one of my teens Travis was in the car accident as well and lived, though he is in critical condition.

I want so bad to go to the funeral. The thing is...I put all of that behind me. Not my love for the teens. I never forgot about them. I never stopped caring. For those of you who know me...you know that's true. I never let go...I never forget. I'm scared to death to go to the funeral. One...it makes it real. Two...I have no idea what those people think of me now. I know I shouldn't care...I shouldn't...I don't usually care what people think about me...but I feel like I have failed. I don't know why...maybe its because I'm just not sure who I am right now. Should that stop me from going? Should I just put my pride aside and go? Will it help me pick up the pieces that fell apart while I was there? Will it make me go back into a state of depression? Will it put me back on the track that I should be on? There are so many questions unanswered. I don't know if they will ever be answered....I do know that sometimes you have to take a step to find out if it is the right path. Sometimes you have to just put yourself out there to affect somebody's life. It's scarey to go back into a situtation that went all wrong the first time. To put my heart back into a place that really jaded me so to speak.

I used to wish that I wouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve so to speak. I wish there was a way for me to hide it just a little bit more so people couldn't hurt me. I'm glad that I don't. I don't think I would have made a difference.

You know...I guess I'm a hopeless romantic. I love the idea of love...I love the feeling of love and with that comes a broken heart. One way or another death, breakup, moving away...somehow it's all going to end eventually. Maybe it's a happy ending...but it's an ending. Somebody told me tonight that I have a lot of people to get over because I fall in love so often. But I will never get over any of them. Everybody who I get close to truely means something to me and really does add something to my life. I just hope that I add something to theirs as well. I don't want my life to go on meaninglessly and I won't let that happen. Yes I've made mistakes. Yes I'm not the person most thought I would be. Yes I have poor judgement a lot of the times...but money is just money in the end, a car is just a car, but love...love is indescribable. There are many words that can show you how love looks...but none to show you how it feels.

For those of you reading this...you've made a difference in my life and many others. This time...it took Tia's death to make me remember that. To make me remember why I stand up for what I believe in...to make sure that people know I am who I am...tattoos and all. You can't change me...nor can I change you. Tia saw who I was...who I am...and respected that and loved me for it. I remember seeing the change in her while I was there...she had more self confidence and she really because a more beautiful person. I will miss her...even though we weren't in touch...she will always be in my heart.

Well Hello Everybody!

It's been so long since we've chatting Mr. Blog :). Life is going crazy. I'm moving at the end of the month and I have so much to do. Packing sucks...and moving all this big stuff also sucks! Oh well once I move things will be better!

So I had a boyfriend for about 3 days or so. Then he just stopped calling. I don't know...men work in mysterious ways! But that's ok! I don't think it would have been a good relationship anyway.

So I also finally hooked up with the Mack's. We had dinner and hung out. Then I joined Danny at youth group. It's interesting how that made me feel. I mean it was fun I guess. But youth group is always the same; Games, Message, and Worship. Same...always the same...3 elements always. So I think I'm going to help Danny make it different. Something new and refreshing for the fall. I don't know if he wants my help...I think he does because he's asked for it. I would love to get back into youth ministry. I miss it. I really miss it. I just think youth groups are soooo patterned and that drives me nuts. I just want to help. I don't know....we'll see.

I'm going to work on a direction for a youth group and post it on here so I can see what you guys think! I just need to get my mind back in the game.

Most of you know how hurt I was by whatever...and I really need to get over that.

Otherwise my life is good. I bought my Jeep. Her name is Jack. I love her!!! John has to put my soft top on but I'm so excited about it! I have a hard top and a soft top!!! I can't wait to have no top on it! Ok anyway I just wanted give you an update!

The Past Matters

What can you remember about your past? Do you have a lot of good thoughts that come to mind? The second chapter in our book is about the influences on our self-esteem. Wouldn't it be great to wake up every morning a new person? I mean sure in theory that would be great though you would have lost everything from the day before. But at least there would be nobody who influenced how you felt about yourself.

Influences start at a very young age and continue the whole time you are growing up. It starts mainly with your family or whomever you lived with while growing up. Think about it…I can tell you that my family had a "family secret" which means we didn't talk about things that would make conflict. If you are reading this then you know how much I run away from conflict. You know that if a fight is going to happen I'm out of there and I'd sooner drop people out of my life if there is any foreseen conflict in the future. That is because growing up we never talked about my Mother's drinking. We just didn't. Nobody knew about it and we all put a smile on our face when we went to school or work or wherever. I remember in 7th grade I was having a lot of problems with my school work. I couldn't focus because there was just way too much going on at home. So my 4 teachers sat me down in a room and talked to me about it. For the first time I cried and told somebody. One of my teachers (who will remain nameless just because he's going through enough shit right now) wanted to talk to my parents about it. I wouldn't let him. Then there would have been conflict at home.

So what does that have to do with my self-esteem? EVERYTHING! We didn't communicate at home, no trust…so now I don't trust people. Oh I'll tell you things…but it's almost impossible to get to know the REAL Marie…unless we've been friends for a while. I'm not saying everything you see is an act because it's not. But you can only go so far before I throw up the wall and want to run and hide and not talk to you for a while. It also means that I'm very easy to control. Now with low or no self-esteem you can go one of two ways. You are either very controlling or you are easily controlled. I'm easily controlled and walked all over. Feelings of loneliness, fear and immense anxiety are also things that have come out of my situation growing up.

Keep in mind. I want to stress this…you and I can not blame every problem we have on our family nor can they take credit for everything we've done right or are proud of. It is important though to understand how people have influences our development so that we can figure out how to validate our feelings.

Friends, TV, Movies, Teachers, and even my favorite Music has influenced how I've grown up.

Letting go is the key to this chapter. All I've told you about my family and my mother has really damaged my self-esteem and self-worth. Not because of anything they did, but how I saw myself fitting into the picture (or not really fitting in whatever). I feel like when my mom died I stopped growing emotionally. I kept moving on with life, I got a job, went to college came home and got another job….live on my own and blah blah blah. But emotionally I feel like I'm 16. I feel like I can't move on because I need her here to help me. But why? Why do I feel that way?! These are the questions and feelings that I have that need to be validated because they will never be answered.

What I have learned from this chapter (even though I didn't like it at first because it really made me think about the past which I hate) is that I need to clean out that closet in my head. I need to clear the thoughts of well shit. That family secret is no longer a secret and I used to think it made my family look really fucked up…when really everybody has their problems. We need to get rid of the dirty self-criticism, stained images and bad decisions that no longer need to linger in our minds. Yes they are there…yes other people know about them…but they are no longer needed. They can go now and it's ok to let go of them and forgive whatever or whomever you need to forgive and let go.

So going back to chapter 1 and our "What can I do to make it better?" If something is bothering me that happened…even if it happened a week ago or 10 years ago I'm going to write it down on a little sheet of paper…I'm going to think "What am I gaining by holding onto this?" Then I am going to rip it up and throw it away. Now of course that doesn't get it out of your head but just by symbolizing to yourself that it is no longer needed will help your mind know that it's true…you don't need that shit in your life.

Letting go of past negativity will help me shape emotionally into a woman (which is really want I want to do).

Somebody told me today that one day I'll have to grow up. Even though I really don't want to…emotionally I have to. I'll figure it out. Its just going to take me a little longer then most.

Next Chapter: Seeing yourself through clean glasses! I can't wait!

Happiness is possible and I will Survive!

So it's been a while! SO I'm reading a book on Self-Esteem because I really don't have very good self-esteem. So While I'm reading this book each chapter is going to get a blog. That way I can keep on top of it and share what I'm learning. I think self-esteem is an issue for most people more so woman. I do believe a lot has to do with the media and the look it gives woman.

Anyway the reason we have a problem with ourselves is only one part of the issue. I mean it's good to identify what caused the problem but not dwell on that. You know I could blame other people for letting me eat so much when I was younger which in turn made me fat. Or I could say that this person didn't do this which did this to me. It's all cause and effect but the more important thing to do is to move on. I am not a "move on" type of person at all. I can dwell on things for years before I get over them...the reason...because of my self-esteem. What I am longing for is a healthy sense of self. I want to figure out how to take all of my bad feelings and my bad actions and turn them into good ones. I've read a lot on this subject and some books have you write on your mirror "I am a good person. I am smart. I am beautiful" but if your not doing anything or if your not taking action to make yourself feel that way then they are just words.

SO then we need to ask the question "What can we do to make this better?" I think that is my new favorite question. You don't feel good about the job you are doing or the work you are doing? What can you do to make it better? I was feeling pretty much like crap when it came to my job. I just felt like I had no motivation. When really it has to come from inside. I mean there is money motivaters in my job and I still wasn't going for it! Can you believe that?!

Friendships can also be that way. Right now I have a friendship with a person who I don't know that well...but I would like to know better. This person is great, very nice, smart but yet it seems like there can be great conflict between us and now usually I walk away from people like this. I just don't deal with it. For some reason it's easy for me to let go of people who are going to cause conflict in my life. But then looking at people that I have pushed away, I wish I wouldn't have. I hate dealing with conflict and it's because I have no self-esteem so I don't ever think I'm right anyway or that if I speak up nobody will listen so why do it? What can I do to change this? Well I'm not ending the friendship I'm actually working hard to not be annoying but yet still be there when I'm needed. Sometimes people have bad weeks, busy weeks, bad months and it's always important to hang in there! Back off a little bit give that person the space that is needed. I'm a good friend, and a good person to be a friend with. So I think that it will work out in the end. I am just going to sit tight. If it doesn't work out in the end and me giving space just pushes that person completely away then it happens and for the short period of time that we were friends it was good.

I always get so worked up over things, and that is one thing I am trying not to do. I just need to know who I am and that I am not a "crazy psycho" like my ex boyfriend once called me (of course not to my face haha). I am fun to be around (I'm like a party in a box) and I love to just have fun and I've really lost sight of that this year. It sucks that I have and now I'm back! It's time to get life back on track and have fun! Happiness is possible in this life, you just can't let the drama and the stupid people bring you down.

So what can we do to make it better? Well no more drama and complaining. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and I'm going to stick with that. If "this" happens...then it happens and I'll move on. Life is just too short to be worrying about what people think and what other people way about me. I will do what is right and for that how can people look badly on you? I know people still will but if I know in my heart what I am doing is the right thing then people can think what they want but I will have a healthy self-esteem...which will help me walk off what people say.

Ok that is part 1 of self-esteem! Hopefully we'll continue to learn and love ourselves and other people. I know how psychobaballike this sounds....but hell it works so why not?!

Life...eh...

So life has been pretty fun. Hanging out doing the band thing...working...but not working a lot. I've been taking pretty many days off which I want to stop. I want to save up my days for this summer. I plan on being in a pool a lot! I'll be RED! Let me tell you!

So my good friend has been acting weird lately. I don't know what's going on. Strange...I'm not sure what to think about it. Why do people push you away? Don't get me wrong I have pushed people away too. Mainly because I have trust issues. I didn't think he had trust issues though. I think there are some things going on in his life that he didn't want me to know. I think he thought I was going to judge him. I'm not. Nor would I. I adore this man. I adore him more then words could ever say. He is one of my best friends. He loves me for me. Which is very important to me.

You know I talked to one of my friends about the whole church thing last night. It's interesting that he has the same views I do...well I mean has some of the sames views I do. But yet he puts up with it. Useless stuff that is time wasting and judgemental people. I guess I just couldn't handle it so I don't. I mean...why should I? I'm sure people think that I'm non-Christian because of what they see. It seems like people who once knew me feel like my heart has completely changed or was never what they thought it was. Oh well...not my problem. I would like to start a ministry where there is no judging. You come..you are who you are...and you leave..maybe one day you'll change...maybe they won't. But they won't be judged by me or anybody there. I guess we can all dream can't we?

Well I love blogs with pictures....so I'm going to put some up for you.


This is John and his girlfriend Sugar!

This is Sugar having selective hearing haha

This is my new friend Lisa

Keith and I hanging out. I finally got him to hang out with me and he had fun!



This is Rob and I at the St. Patty's Day Parade

This is what happens to your manhood when you hang out with me.

These are my brother's girls

This is Kassy and Keith singing...


Ok that's enough for now!

Helloooo Hellloooo

Hello there from me and Sugar! We had our hair done and wanted to show everybody. She asked for crazy colors but I told her no! I hope everybody is doing well out there.

I've been having some rough times right now but I have my dog, John and my friends to get me through! Thanks guys you are the best!